child psychology

Emma Butler is a Masters level qualified practicing psychologist specialising in Educational and Developmental Psychology. She is a Member of The Australian Psychological Society, and an Associate member of The Australian Society of Hypnosis. Emma is a legally registered psychologist in the state of Victoria and she can be contacted at www.childpsychologist.net.au

Emma has worked in university, community, specialist and school settings with toddlers, children, teenagers and young people. Her qualifications include a Masters Degree is Child and Educational Psychology, Graduate Diploma of Educational Psychology and Bachelor of Science (Psychology and Pharmacology).

 

Although separation is a stressful period for children, research shows that parents who are sensitive to their children’s needs minimise any long-term negative impact of the separation.

 

Minimise negative psychological impact on children by:

 

• Keeping conflict away from your children

• Open and non-defensive communication with your child about how they feel

• Make sure your child knows that they are not to blame for the separation

• Be positive about the other parent with the child (even when this isn’t easy)

 

• Do not allow your child to become the messenger between you and the other parent

• Never allow your child to take sides against the other parent

• Try to sort things out without going to court

• Seek child focused mediation and counselling to resolve conflict

• Informing the teacher so the child is supported appropriately at school

 

Children and the Grief Process
When parent separation occurs, it is normal for children to experience a grief process for the loss of their parent’s relationship and the family unit as they have always known it. Grief can be expressed as a range of emotions that surface for children in any order, at any time for different periods. These emotions may include:

 

Shock: In the initial periods, children may feel numb or extremely distressed. Children may feel shocked and confused when the separation occurs. They may worry and feel insecure about whether the remaining parent will leave them.

Anger: Children may direct their anger about the situation towards parents, friends, teachers or themselves in the form of non-compliance and tantrums or other forms of acting out behaviour or self-destructive behaviour.

Denial: Children may pretend that the situation isn’t happening. Children may maintain a fantasy that their parents will one day get back together. Children may have a hard time talking about or understanding their own feelings in relation to the separation.

Depression: Children may become depressed about the separation and feel isolated and withdraw. A child may show you they are depressed by loss of interest in school, loss of enjoyment or pleasure in activities, sadness, low energy, irritability and changes in sleep and appetite.

Acceptance: The child begins to accept the situation

Change: The child adjusts to the new situation and moves forward

 

When to seek professional help:
It is normal and positive for children to experience a range of strong emotions in relation to grief after parent separation. Grief is a normal and important part of a child’s life, and just like any other learning experience. It is important to notice your child moving forward with their grief. One sign that a child is not processing their grief positively is if their behaviour shows that they are entrenched in one emotion (eg. angry behaviour or irrational fears for months on end). Another sign is if the child begins to express their emotions inappropriately (eg. physically aggressive behaviour, self-harming behaviours). If you think your child has become stuck in one part of their grief process and is not moving forward, seek professional help from a psychologist that specialises in children. The psychologist can help your child express their strong emotions more appropriately and process their grief.

 

Persistent behaviours to seek professional help for are:

• Regression in development or deterioration in academic performance

• Sadness, listlessness, loss of interest in usual activities, suicidal thoughts or behaviour

• Feelings of abandonment, anxiety, avoidance of usual activities, difficulty separating from parent, irrational fears

• Self-destructive behaviour (alcohol or drug abuse, self harm, sexual promiscuity)

 

• Self-blame or guilt; feeling responsible for parental problems

• Apathy and withdrawal from family, friends, and/or activities

• Anger (at self and others), tantrums, antisocial behaviour, aggressive behaviour, social conflict

• Acting out, defiance, limit-testing behaviour and impulsivity

• Extreme changes in diet or sleeping behaviour