case studies
We have gathered the stories of single mothers around the country and published them for you to read. These are the accounts of women who have experienced or who are experiencing separation and divorce. Their honest accounts will help you understand how complex the process is, it will give you an insight into other people's lives, and it will give you hope.
We are always in the process of searching for new case studies to add to this group of amazing stories. We want to hear from women whose experiences - positive and negative - can help other women survive separation and face the future with strength and optimism.
If you would like us to publish your story, or if you would like to send feedback about any of the stories you have read here, please email
admin@prisms.com.au
The most recently added case studies appear at the top of the list.
When I was 30 I found myself alone with two preteens, a dog and a cat to raise on a single mother’s pension. We had always rented so I had no security of tenure and very little in the way of resources ie no money. In those days, you could still make a bit of ‘black’ money (cash in hand) through waitressing and bar work so while this was supplementing my meagre income (no child support in those days and an ex partner who refused to pay any sort of maintenance) life was extremely difficult.
I had a very generous and supportive family, but they can only do so much, I was really starting to despair of mine and my children’s future. I had formed some very strong bonds at my children’s primary school with other mothers – we had started a ‘drop in centre’ and were all members of the mothers club. One of the other mothers, Wendy was also a single parent, with children of almost identical ages to mine. I suggested we pool our resources and find a place big enough and cheap enough for us all. After a month or two of solid searching, we stumbled across a fabulous property in a more affluent suburb to the one in which we were currently living.
Pooling our money we still were paying less together than when we were living separately – yeehah – we could now splurge on a bottle of something (or two). The kids could have new shoes AND dessert. The house was on three levels, 4/5 bedrooms and wonder of wonders – a laundry chute! This became the kids’ favourite pastime, running up the stairs, flinging themselves down the chute and running through the house and back up the stairs again. This occupied them for hours – even up until their teenage years.
There was a bedroom each for the children – two girls, two boys and one each for the mothers. We were also able to make a playroom for the children as well – heaven on a stick until the day they decided to build a model truck my son had and didn’t open any windows or doors – glue sniffers, anyone? We quickly, born out of necessity, made some VERY strict rules about what they could and couldn’t do in there. The landlords were a pharmacist and a vet who had five children themselves so kids were not a problem and the dog was welcome too – there was even a ‘dog run’ in the huge grassy, garden left by the vet (the cat, unfortunately ran away – no kids – good -two kids okay – four kids – bad).
We quickly settled in and it became apparent even though Wendy and I had very different talents and weaknesses, with a bit of manipulation and cooperation, this could work. Wendy was the domestic goddess (insert ‘clean freak’) and I was a bit more laid back (‘insert slob’) and two of our children – her daughter and my son really, really did not get on – way too much alike so they constantly butted heads (among other things). I became the ‘cook’ (ask me what I can do with a bag of rice, frozen peas and $2); she was the maintenance engineer. I helped all the children with homework and games etc, she did all our ironing (how lucky was I?).
It wasn’t always smooth sailing and we had some frosty periods but we managed it for five years. The kids went to a great primary school and then a great high school which was highly regarded. We made some wonderful long lasting friends in the community. As time went on, our situations slowly started to change. I had started work in community development with a housing group and was finally earning some decent money. With financial help from my mum; I was able to move into my own place much closer to where I was working – I didn’t have a car and public transport wasn’t great where we were.
This was 20 years ago – Wendy and I are now grandmothers but are still close – once or twice a year we have a ‘sleepover’ and recall those glory, hectic, frustrating, hilarious and incredibly rewarding days. We both agree sharing our resources at the time was the best option for us and our children (who are still like ‘brothers and sisters’ – even my son and her daughter are now close and spend time together socially) and would recommend it to any one who finds themselves in a similar situation. With a few ground rules, the ability to compromise and not sweating the small stuff these arrangements can work and be incredibly successful.
Footnote: I still live in a share situation – with my 30 yr old daughter, her partner, two kids, two dogs, one cat and NO laundry chute! My only wish is my 31 yr old son NEVER needs or wants to move home.
michelle
I
left my husband of almost 11 years, taking our not quite three year-old
daughter with me. He had some drug and alcohol issues (which of course
are symptoms of much larger issues) and that moment finally came after several
years where I GOT that he was not going to change. This was after many
months of marriage counselling. While marriage counselling did not save
our marriage I would tell anyone considering divorce to get some counselling
first, with or without their partner. There are too many emotions
involved to make a decision like that clearly.
My
biggest concern before leaving was I did not want to return to work. I
had been a stay-at-home Mum to our daughter since she was born and remaining at
home with her was my number one priority. I was going to leave her father,
remove her from the family home and move to a new place in a new neighbourhood,
I did not want to add to the trauma by putting her into day care as well (and I
personally would not have been able to handle that final devastation).
Before
I left I made calls to several solicitors as well as Centrelink and the Child
Support Agency to find out what my entitlements would be, down to the
penny. Thankfully my husband and I had no debt aside from the mortgage,
so although I wasn't going to have much I would be able to survive. Not
being from this country I felt (and feel) incredibly grateful to the benefits I
was entitled to and that I would be able to continue to stay at home with my
daughter. In the end that's all that mattered to me.
Nobody
wanted to rent to me. I had no job and no income (family assistance and
child support would not kick in until I or my husband were out of the family
home- he refused to leave and I had no where to go) so I can't say I blamed
them. I do remember speaking to one property manager almost in tears
practically begging him to give me a chance. He did not. After
weeks of dragging my daughter around looking for a place to live ("I don't
want to look at any more boxes today, Mommy") and filling out countless
rental applications I finally found someone willing to give me a chance.
The place was not great (total understatement) and would be put up for sale
shortly but it was a house with an enclosed yard in a good neighbourhood.
By then the tension at home was unbearable and I just wanted OUT. I
didn't care that the place was a dump, I was lucky to get it!
I
told my husband when I left that this could be the best thing that ever
happened to us. In the course of a lifetime what is a year apart, especially
if it saves our marriage? But after less than two weeks I knew that I was
never going back. It was like a huge weight had been lifted. I felt
free! I was no longer in love with my husband, and I never felt like I
needed a partner to be happy or feel complete. And I enjoy my own
company. With time and distance came clarity.
That's
not to say it hasn't been tough. You know how sometimes when you're going
through a difficult time in your life and at the time you think you're fine but
later you look back and realise you weren't okay? It was like that.
I also look back on my daughter and feel tremendous sadness at how it affected
her and that I didn't totally realise it at the time because I was going
through my own stuff. But children
are resilient, and I'm glad I
left when I did and didn't leave it until she was older. I would kill for
a sleep-in. Being sick and a single parent is a nightmare. The
first Christmas, New Year's, Easter, etc was difficult, especially since my
family is so far away. I desperately want more children but being single
and 38 this just might take a miracle (although I believe in miracles!).
I do feel the stigma of being a single woman at times, like not being invited
to things and being the only single parent at playgroup and preschool. I
did see a counsellor fortnightly for the first six months, a wonderful lady who
helped me a lot. I also have learned to ask for help and not try to be
superwoman!
Fast
forward a year and things are good. No regrets whatsoever. My
daughter is happy. She sees her Father every Saturday. He still has
his problems and could be a better Father, but he loves our daughter. In
the beginning we agreed that we would not let things get nasty because we knew
that that's the most traumatic aspect of divorce for most children. So we
feel proud of that, and I know I'm lucky he hasn't been hateful or vindictive
in any way. I'm in university this year, studying financial planning
full-time. I quit smoking cigarettes. I gained 12 kilos (A good
thing, as I was extremely underweight from all the stress of the
relationship.) I feel good about myself and the direction my life is
slowly heading. Leaving is the best decision I've made in a long
time.
Fortunately,
I do have a great role model to turn to when I'm feeling down or scared or
stressed. My mother was a single parent and she did it tough and did it
well. I always knew how exceptional she was but now I appreciate the
difficulties she faced and her strengths even more. All the other single
women out there are role models for me too. I know if they can do it so
can I and their stories, like the ones here, inspire and motivate me. I'm
responsible for my life and happiness, and if I don't make it happen who will?
I can't help but feel the need to write to you and ask if you do any stories that help single young mums follow their dreams.
Just a bit about me. I fell pregnant at 15 and had my first baby when I was 16 and the third by 21 years old. I attended school throughout my pregnancy and even took my son to school with me once he was born.
I then went on to have my second child and went back to work part time as a waitress when my daughter was only one week old and at the same time complete my Certificate II Business Secretary at Tafe. I then had my third son. After that I worked fulltime as an accountants assistant for nearly 4 years as well as complete Certificate II, III and IV Business Administration/Management and was nominated for "Optus Outstanding Student of the Year". Once I completed my studies and after ten years of door knocking on Funeral Directors' doors I then went on to work as a Funeral Arranger Conductor (my passion since the age of 8), but as I had problems with my 12 year old son I had to resign shortly after. Mind you, this I completed with three children on my own. I am not one to sit around and have now found the opportunity to run my partner's business, I am currently working full time with this business and I am determined to make it a success. The reason I am sharing my life history with you is because I want you to know that I am so passionate about succeeding in my future and if you do stories or mentoring for businesses I want you to know I am so truly focused and passionately driven.
I believe my life story would be of benefit to so many young mums out there trying to build a future for themselves and their children, as I have lived in domestic violence, I have been sexually abused as a child, I had no mum growing up and yet I have managed to acheive so much and I have such a positive outlook on life. Growing up as a young mum I must say I did not know one young mum that I could use as a role model and that is why I feel I could be of great role modelling to many young mums out there.
I am now 28 years old and my children are Joshua 12, Tahlia 9 and Jack 7, I am team manager for my 7 year old's basketball team and my passion is running. I have been training to compete in triathlons and actually competed in my first in February. Like all families we have been through tough times, however we always manage to get through them due to my positive outlook.
NEW IN NOVEMBER 2007: IF YOU ARE A YOUNG MUM WE ENCOURAGE YOU TO VISIT STACEY'S FANTASTIC NEW WEBSITE www.empoweringyoungmums.com.au.
ki
rsty
How did being raised by a single mother contribute to the adult you have become?
My Mum has always been a source of inspiration for me. She’s strong and fabulous but in no ways perfect, but one thing she’s always had is a confidence in her children and she’s always told my brother and I that we could do anything we wanted to. She’s been up front about her life story and her successes and failures and as such we’ve been able to learn from them.
Mum, like all, is protective. She was terrified when I left a steady well paying job to start my own company at 21 with no guarantee of income and a possibility of being left in debt. One thing about her though – is that she was always there, even if she didn’t always agree with my decisions, she was always there as a confidant, a shoulder to cry on and the first person to tell me how proud of she was. She was also the first employee to come on board at my company when I was 21.
Being a single Mum has toughened her. Much of my book – Advance to Go, Collect $1Million contains anecdotes showing her “tough side” like when she went and threatened the father of a boy who had been robbing our house repeatedly. She didn’t wait for anyone to come to her rescue and she protected her home and her children with a passion I’ve rarely seen matched in any arena.
Being raised by her on her own for my last few years at home and watching her with my brother has shown me what people are capable of. It’s shown me that one person can be both feminine and masculine and it’s shown me that love always shows through even if the outcome isn’t what was expected.
What advice could you give single mothers about what to tell their children about their decision to separate?
My parents were both very up front with me about their decision to separate. In fact in all their discussions with me from a very young age they were very frank and very open even with issues such as money problems. As such – I grew up early and that had its positives and negatives. I stressed about our family situation perhaps a little more than the average child, but I also grew up financially aware and perhaps more emotionally aware than others of my age.
I wouldn’t call myself an expert by any stretch and can only draw on my own experience, but I would tell single mothers to make sure that their kids know that the separation isn’t about them and to ensure that both parties make as much time as they possibly can to spend with their kids afterwards.
mary
Hi to all the wonderful single mums out there who are raising children, balancing budgets, work and family life sometimes with support and sometimes without it. I've been there and it was tough! My situation was complicated by a father who decided he did not want to see his children once I re-partnered. It was a terrible blow and I worried constantly about my boys and the effect their father's rejection might have on them. And it did. But 17 years on I can tell you that they're fine. I won't say they've come through unscathed but they are lovely, productive young men.
My older son (25) is a school-teacher (who would have thought) and my younger son (22) is heading off to uni next year after completing an apprenticeship. So, all that worry for no good reason. And this year, their father suddenly made contact with them. My older son has spoken to him but my younger one chooses not to - for the time being anyway. I respect their decision.
My best advice is to never put the other parent down, no matter what. That way the door is always left open and children are free to love both parents without feeling guilty. While the end of marriage is a sad event it's not the end of the world. I eventually went to university and from that have gone on to become a lecturer and writer. I have a wonderful partner who has stuck by me always and has been on his own journey. We think we've been terrific for each other. And finally, don't be too hard on yourself. Remember that you are doing the best job you can under the circumstances and that you are allowed not to be perfect. It's not easy but it gets better and sometimes it even gets great.
sabine
I'm a 34 year old single mother, with two children aged 5 and 4 years old. I've been a single mother for almost four years.
When I had my first child I knew the father wasn't going to stay but I got pregnant two months after I gave birth, so he wanted to stay for the birth of our second child. In some ways it would have been better if had just left there and then because he wasn't any help to me and made it worse for me. I felt so alone as a new mother and a having an ex-partner that didn't want to be with us. That was a very hard time for me. I suffered depression and had put on a lot of weight from the first pregnancy.
I had been such an independent woman with my own little business and didn't need help but becoming a mother on my own, with no help and having been very depressed, I had to ask for help!! I have a good family who have always supported me and would help me if I asked.
It was a big thing for me to ask for help. I was proud of doing things on my own. My family came from Melbourne and I had been living up in Byron Bay for the last 10 years. I thought I would never come back to Melbourne but having a family changed that. I realised that I need my family’s help and that family is very important… I wanted to be a good mother and wanted to enjoy my beautiful children. I truly loved them and loved been a mother but I was tired, alone and very stressed, so I couldn't enjoy them how I truly wanted too. It was a very hard time for me, but I tried to be positive and believe that the kids’ love would bring me back. With my mother’s help I switched myself into ‘go’ mode and just accepted this was my life and I had to make the best of it...
I think the biggest part of moving on with my life was that I wasn't angry with the father.
I knew from the start he wasn't going to be there, so with having no expectation of him and not been angry. I let him go and I could move on and be there for my kids. Now we live in Melbourne I work and I have a great family unit.
It is hard juggling things sometimes, but you get used to doing it and there are always good and bad days, which is life with or without kids. Life is not easy but it can be good if you let it. I think the biggest thing for any single mother is asking for help. We need it. It could be a friend or your family. There are many support groups out there that want to help you. You don't have to do it alone and it is ok if you need help. We are not super women. We are humans, and sometimes we need time out and help or just to talk to someone else... this all helps.
We don't need to be scared or proud to ask for help - it is out there!!! And if the father doesn't want anything with your children it's ok. There are good male modes out there and as long as your children are well loved that's all they want!! One good parent is better than none.
salvina
Where do I begin? Sounds clichéd doesn’t it?
Single life after 20 odd years of marriage……My God what was I thinking!
I was basically in a very secure marriage and I found myself at 40 years of age deciding that I didn’t love my husband any longer for various reasons. One of those reasons, if it exists at all, was that I found him not to be my soul mate.
I guess, how can you still have the same feelings for someone that you met at 18 years of age when basically I was brought up in a typical Italian background family with restrictions on my direct contact with the “opposite” sex?
I married at 21 years of age; my wedding night was somewhat awkward as I really didn’t know what was ahead of me. I had not had sex with this man prior to my wedding night. I was sexually naïve and I had no idea how to conduct or compose myself. My husband was just as scared as I was as he didn’t want to upset me, which would trigger my inner family circle becoming involved due to my demeanor.
I guess in hindsight, I may have married for the “wrong” reasons, although I wouldn’t be the first person in the world to be in that predicament, although not a lot of people admit to it.
Was I in love with him?
Did I know what love was at 18?
Did I know what the responsibility of marriage meant?
Would I know how to conduct myself as a wife, lover, housekeeper, etc?
Anyway, 20 years later, I found myself answering those questions and making the one of the biggest decisions of my life…….to end my marriage…to step out of my comfort zone and into unknown territory.
I had always been the “organizer” and “doer” of the relationship, so I didn’t think that I would be too far out of my square.
Well, I was surely mistaken!
Suddenly, my married friends, didn’t want to associate with me as I was now the “single woman” and perhaps a threat to their own relationship. No woman wants competition that close to her own backyard. So, sadly, I was forced to sever ties with some very close friends. People that I had known since my late teens and that had been my emotional support for many years. Gone!
As I am a larger sized woman, I found the world on many levels to be very pretentious. Looks, size and the level of promiscuity that a woman portrays is the order of the day. One night stands are what a lot of men are looking for. This had my head spinning. Men actually trying to put their hands on your body. To feel you, to take advantage of your innocence and perhaps ignorance. I was horrified.
Most men I met were only interested in “casual on-going”, which really confused me as my limited knowledge and participation of sexual behavior and various partners, somehow didn’t allow me to comprehend what that meant. Yes, I say that even after 20 years of marriage and as a woman of 40 years of age.
I had my first sexual encounter after nearly eight months of being separated, and it was at that point in my life that I realized I was not only a mother, wife, etc., I was a woman and I had desires and needs just like anyone else. My sexuality had been born, at last! I was in heaven!
I was easily led astray by men that only wanted to amuse themselves due to my endless amount of trust that I bestowed on people around me. Then again I did come across some seedy types that because of my independence thought that I had “oodles” of money, only because I never complained about my lack of finances and also because I always made a point of paying my own way, no matter what.
Through Centrelink I learnt that assistance was available to single mothers on many levels, both financially and most importantly the improvement of ones job prospects as a single mother.
The Centrelink system is certainly a complex and time consuming merry go round as once the status of a “single” family is confirmed there is a constant abundance of paperwork arriving to remind you of the fact that you are receiving financial assistance, etc. It is initially a nightmare!
I have never been one to sit back and wait for things to happen as I have long resigned myself to the fact that you don’t just wait, you must get out there and make things happen.
Good or bad and at times there seems to be more bad than good, one must persevere in order to survive.
My three children were aged 16, 11 and 6 when we separated and whilst we, as adults were all going through our own emotions, I realize in hindsight that the state and well being of our children on many levels can quite easily be overlooked due to our own rollercoaster of not only emotions but also the adjustment of suddenly trying to be both mother and father 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Suddenly you find yourself, driving one child here and another there. Guitar lessons, football training, birthday parties, all the while your eyebrows look like they are just about to join as one and your hair is approaching “crazy woman” status due to neglect.
To be honest, I only recently, whilst the boys and I were sitting down having dinner, did one of my children ask me “mum what did happen to you and dad” and I found myself after five years of separation having to not only recount certain events which dated back many years, but it brought all the emotions to the forefront once again.
It then suddenly dawned on me that my ex-husband and I hadn’t even sat down with our children and explained the reason/s why we weren’t a family unit as such any longer. Through our own selfishness we neglected to put aside our bickering, endless court battles, finger pointing, name calling, etc., and taken the time to ensure that our children were at least shielded from the above and/or sat down and had the situation explained to them at the very least.
Our 16 year old, wasn’t sure which “side” he had to take as he loved both of us and basically he just kept quite for a good part of two years. Trying not to stand on anyone’s toes, so to speak.
Our 11 year old was in seventh heaven, as he knew how to play both my husband and myself in order to get his own way, although his contact with his father was minimal and one of convenience to himself.
Our six year old has handled the marriage break up reasonably well, although his casualty would be that he developed a stutter which is proving to be quite difficult to overcome after four years of regular speech therapy.
One also tends to forget the inner sanctum of family and how a marriage break up effects them also. My family for instance, could see that my marriage was headed for disaster, due to my husband’s continual erratic behavior, etc., but they were helpless to prevent the inevitable.
In my five years of being single, I have met many men and whilst most of them would fall into the category of friendship, I am yet to find sincerity, integrity and decency in most men.
Men in my age bracket are still pressuring a woman into having sex without protection. This astounds me. In this day and age.
I find that men mostly come with “baggage” of past relationships and whilst I would be the last person to deny having any baggage, I guess there is a point where it is acceptable to air one’s grievances about the ex-partner to a new and prospective partner. It is very very common for this to occur and quite off putting.
They are mostly looking for women that they can show as their “trophy” partners. Plastic women. Women that will not venture out without their make up. Women that will not for the life of them, get their hands dirty and wash dishes. Women that are bordering on a size 8 or 10 dress. Women that are so confident within themselves that they find it necessary to show their personality through their oozing bust line. Pretentious and incredibly stupid women. Yes they still exist!
I have been asked many many times what I do for a living and prior to the opening of my business, I was unemployed and replied accordingly. The responses were that I was then a “lazy fat cow/bitch, who watches TV all day, everyday. One that receives child support and Centrelink payments”. Yet now that I have my business, I am labeled “too independent” and “unapproachable” because I must be up myself.
Either way, a woman can’t win!
I have for the past two years been operating a coffee shop, which is going quite well, and whilst I have received no financial assistance, I have mortgaged my home in order to commence this business.
I receive child support payments from my ex-husband for two of our children and whilst he never lets me forget that he pays me the amount of money each month, it is nonetheless a struggle to make ends meet from week to week.
Five years seems a long time, but I think back and I can recount many stories, although basically they amount to the same. It is a cruel cruel world out there, particularly so for a single mother.
Forming any type of relationship with someone other than the children’s father is difficult as more than likely your new partner has his own children and tensions become overwhelming at the best of times.
Scheduling “alone” time is even more difficult. I have a partner at the moment with whom our relationship has been quite turbulent to say the least. Intelligent he is, although complicated is another word that comes to mind. Very secretive, although he would argue this point very strongly.
My children “put up with him” for my sake, although they don’t like his directness and his militant type discipline.
He, on the other hand, doesn’t like the fact that they will not do for themselves and so not only do we have conflict but I am always caught in the middle.
I don’t regret ending my marriage, nor would I turn back the hands of time. It has been a difficult and rocky road, but I believe I can hold my head up high and be proud of my achievements to this day.
laurel
The hardest thing you can do in a relationship is admit defeat. In my case it took over 18 years to do it. You put it off because of the kids, because it's too big a decision to make, because it's a big wide world out there and you don't want to be alone, because, because because.
For me the decision came hard and fast. I had put up with a verbally abusive husband for 18 years and one last bout of yelling and screaming like a demented sod found me walking out of the house and into the garage in a furious mood. I dragged the roller door down behind me with
such rage and bottled up anger that it bounced of his head with the force of a steam roller and it knocked him flat on his back. (I can laugh about it now!) But at the time I didn't know he had followed me to continue haranguing me!
At the time all I could feel was instant relief and the certain knowledge that the end had arrived. I knew that the time had come to go our separate ways before one of us was seriously hurt!
Little did I realize the effect it would have on myself and my children. Maybe I would have tried to stick it out longer - maybe not!
For me the thing I noticed most was the loneliness. What I would have given for a strong shoulder to lean on. A hug at the end of a hard day. Or just someone to talk to that understood what I was going through.
My family all live on the mainland, I'm not a sociable creature in any way shape or form and the only other people I knew were people I worked with and they really didn't give a damn either!
I think that if it had not been for Kirsty I most likely would have taken my own life at that stage. But her strength was amazing. She kept me laughing, showed me that life goes on and even help me out financially. (yes she was only 16 at that time!)
Her brother on the other hand at 7 years of age - did not understand what was going on at all and I believe that for many years he blamed himself for the break up of our marriage. He couldn't understand how his beloved father could just walk away and leave him without a backwards glance.
It took Kirsty and me years to clear his head of that misconception and I still feel that it scarred him and for that alone I wish I had managed to do more damage with the garage door!
It was a hard time for our family I went into bankruptcy, had a forced mortgagee sale on our family home and we faced financial constrictions like we had never seen before.
But you survive - What doesn't kill you makes your stronger!
Kirsty has since gone on to become one of the most well know faces in Launceston Real Estate. John is finishing a final year at a private school paid for by his sister. I'm so very proud of what they are making of their lives with little or no input from their father. I'm sure they are both much better people for not having had him around putting them down all the time.
And I survived. As you do. Would I go back and stick in that relationship if I had the chance again - not on your life! I probably should have gotten the courage to do it years earlier. But two great things came out of that marriage. My kids and I wouldn't give them back for millions!
kim
In 2001 my then husband, of 11 years, decided that he was in love with someone else and left me and our then 2 ½ year old son and I was devastated.
3 weeks later two planes hit the Twin Towers in New York and things became very clear for me…I had my son, I had my health, end of story, two days later I was offered a great job.
I then began to think that there were two paths I could take, I could become bitter and twisted about everything or I could, shockingly for some, forgive him and move forward. I decided that forgiveness was not only the best path for me it really was the only path.
My great job then developed into an amazing career. For the next few years I raised my son, developed a different, but good, relationship with my ex-husband, coped with him having another child with his new partner and helped my son develop a relationship with his half-brother, and was happy on my own.
Two and a bit years ago I met Pete and last year on my 40th birthday we were married. My son was our best man and was the happiest kid on the planet, he adores my husband and knows that this is OK. Both his father and I have instilled in him that it’s OK to love and respect everyone in his life. It doesn’t hurt that my husband and his father have very similar beliefs and values, and are now quite good friends.
I guess what I’m saying is that it doesn’t end “there”. I’m in an amazing place, a couple of weeks ago, my son, my husband, my ex-husband, my son’s half brother and I all sat at the MCG watching “our” son play in the pre-match entertainment. It was brilliant!
My son also has a new half-sister who is gorgeous.
I have not only survived the past 5 years but I have thrived! Life doesn’t always develop the way you think, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
I’m happy with what life has thrown at me, it has taught me a few lessons:
Never give up
Don’t compromise
Your kids come first
sharyn
I have been a sole parent for the most part of my 15 year old son's life as his father and I separated when my son was 5 months old. I am happy to say we all enjoy a very happy and healthy relationship these days and have done so for many years. My son's father has Christmas lunch with my extended family every year which I feel is testimony to the fact that we truly are a blended family.
For a couple of years immediately after our separation things were not always harmonious between us. This I feel was par for the course to a certain extent, as naturally we had issues to resolve from our relationship. I remember distinctly coming to a point where I turned to my son's father and said: "Well, let's face it, we are going to be in each other's lives for the rest of our lives so why don't we make the experience as pleasant as possible." Personally I felt it was important to find peace between us for our sakes, and not merely out of martyrdom 'for our child'.
To my mind, things seemed to change for the better upon my having made the decision to direct positive energy toward the relationship. It has taken a concerted effort to continually put the relationship with my son's father on the high priority list but the rewards have been awesome. We, as a family, endeavour to keep the communication lines open and honest which I feel is of utmost importance, along with always treating each other with respect, courtesy and consideration.
I am one of the ones who decided my life and that of my children and also my ex, would be so much better (not necessarily easier) if we were not together. After being threatened with divorce throughout my 15 years of marriage because I wasn't doing 'enough' either to bring in more money, or to keep the house cleaner, or to adore my husband more, it was me who finally said 'Enough is enough'!
Actually, I had a light bulb moment when I was walking across to my car at the end of a long Saturday after working at a boring, unproductive business venture I was made to do - missing out on being with my 10 & 8 yr old daughters on the weekend while hubby was off playing soccer and guess who was going to have to cook dinner and spend their Sunday house cleaning before resuming it all again on Monday? It was: "I live in a free country, what the bloody hell am I putting up with all this crap for"?
And so started my 1 year exit from my marriage. I told my husband that night that we would be having a new marriage or no marriage. I asked him what did he want from life? He said "Wealth, happiness and no responsibility." I repeated it back to him and asked him if that was what he really wanted out of life. He said "Yes." I said that wealth he'd have to work for, happiness is only a state of mind and nobody gets to live on this earth without some responsibility (particularly with 2 children??). He was adamant that's what he wanted and deserved. I knew then that there was nothing I could do to fix this marriage. If he wasn't happy that was his problem, I wasn't happy and I was going to fix me and my life!
I've always been fine with my own company, I can read or watch a movie or keep myself happily occupied but with most women I speak to, I find this isn't the case. They are almost destitute without male companionship. Many of the women who were separated while I was, looked for any opportunity to 'meet men'. I was quite happy to stay right away and find out who I was, what I wanted and where I wanted to go. Loneliness is a part of being a single mum, I don't think there is any way around that, but you don't have to let it consume you. I realised that I was incredibly lonely in my marriage and that being alone and free was way better than being alone in a prison.
The motivating force for me then was to provide financially for my daughters in their growing teen years. I didn't want them to suffer because of the decision I made. I was way behind the financial 8 ball so I had to do something 'out of the box' to make up ground. As it turns out, I was not the financial drain on the marriage I was told I was!
At times however, I would be overwhelmed by the emotional requirements of the single parent job. You don't get a break from it really. You are trying to cope with your own emotions and looking into an unknown future while trying to keep your children protected and coping with their emotional upheaval. I had no family living nearby and because of the divorce a smaller circle of friends. Most of my couple friends did not want to get together with me. I still caught up with the girls but they kept their husbands away and the invitations came less & less. I was kind of the odd one out, I guess. I ended up making a new circle of friends as my life moved on. These friends were likeminded, some were married, some no, but we all wanted to improve our financial positions. This is a most powerful principle. Find people who are doing what you want to do and join them. They will encourage you and inspire you to achieve all that you want to.
